Regrets, I've Had a few

What Makes Us Happy

There are many factors that contribute to happiness. Of the tens of thousands of books written on the topic, there are hundreds of thousands of opinions on what makes us happy including non- attachment to outcome, surrendering the negative, how we are raised, how we act, meditation, etc.…

My belief is that there is no one, magical formula. That is an underlying theme of my book, I’d Rather Kill Myself Than Be a Lawyer.

Today I am discussing one of the perhaps less obvious factors:  being mindful of others.

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A few years ago, Karin and I were walking our usual three-mile loop through Ardsley, which we did quite often for exercise.

Those walks were like having a date every day, when we could be alone and talk. We covered all kinds of topics including the kids, our lives, politics, gossip, etc. It was just good time together.

Then … it happened … Something came between us…

…Peloton

Peloton put a stop to our walks. That is one of the many reasons I despise that fricken thing. I use it but It is torture.

No Regrets?

Anyway, on one particular walk we got to the subject of regrets. I said I did not have any regrets.

Karin, understandably perplexed replied, “Really? You don’t regret taking the pills?”

I replied that I did not, because it changed the course of my life.

Although I did not understand it at the time, in addition to simply being inaccurate, that answer was an indication that I was not experiencing consistent happiness.

 Why Did my Answer Change? 

1)    I Did Not Consider Karin

Of course, I have regrets about that day.  I thoroughly regret taking the pills because of the pain and fear it caused Karin. When my life exploded there was a lot of shrapnel; most of it hit her. I never really gave that the proper attention it deserved.  So, I regret what I did and I regret that my answer that day was self-involved.  It was the response of a person only looking inward and not enough at the people around him.

2)   I Was Not Yet Fully Experiencing Happiness

At the time of that discussion, while I was making great progress, I had not yet fully uncovered happiness. I have since learned that when I try to consider others in how I think and act, it is not only the proper way to live, it significantly adds to my happiness. I often fail, but I am getting better at it every day.

When I said I had no regrets  I was not thinking of the person who bore none of the responsibility but had to deal with much of the damage.

To put it more directly, if I had been experiencing my greatest happiness, I would have been thinking of Karin when I answered.

Doing for Others

Many people, including me, are actually happiest when they think of others as much as themselves.

Ironically, part of the logic behind this idea rooted in a self-involvement. Doing things for other makes us humans feel good.  There is definitely something in it for us.  It’s not like I’m saying I am walking around feeling like a martyr because thinking of other gives me diarrhea and I do it anyway.  I get immense enjoyment from doing good. Otherwise I wouldn’t do it.

Science supports it.

https://www.livescience.com/4443-study-good-feel-good.html

https://time.com/collection/guide-to-happiness/4070299/secret-to-happiness/

Again, it is a win-win. We are helping others while making ourselves feel good.

The things in my life I thought were the primary drivers of happiness: achievements, money, status … whatever, were mostly fleeting.  They did not provide happiness. They provided satisfaction, a temporary feeling.

The Challenge

Most of us go through life caught up in ourselves.  That is logical.  Our instinct is to survive and you can only survive by thinking of yourself to some degree.

The result, however, is that there are billions of people in the world, all walking around thinking about themselves.  All trapped in this little bubble of anxieties and worries and fears, blowing everything way out of proportion. Not being happy.

Imagine if, instead of thinking about your shit all the time, you instead thought about how you could help others. I am not talking about parents doing stuff for their kids. That is your job and if you are honest with yourself, you want them to succeed as much for you as for them.

I’m talking about just taking a moment, each day, and asking how you can honor someone other than yourself.

We get so involved in wanting to achieve, buy or conquer the next thing, there is little time for being benevolent. We are all looking inward, which is great if you can dispassionately look at yourself and ways you can improve. Most of us, however, are looking inward critically and selfishly.  That makes it difficult to be consistently happy in both good and bad times.

To Be Clear

I do plenty of stuff for myself. I am not trying to present myself in any other kinds of fashion. I still spend way too much time thinking about myself and worrying.

That said, I also know that I try much harder to think of others than I used to and I feel great about it. I do it as much for myself as for the people I care about. But I do it.

The take away?  Get over yourself and get happy.

OCTOBER 4, 2020